wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
