I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
