we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
