then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
