I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
