just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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