I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
