but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
