All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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