He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
