The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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