I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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