please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
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