Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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