In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
