Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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