Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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