soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
