On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
