Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
