your parents love me but you hate me
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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