I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
