Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
