Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
my liver is dry heaving
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
