this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
