Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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