Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
