The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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