genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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