doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
