sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
