I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Shame - the story of my life.
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