I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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