I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
