My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
