Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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