I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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