I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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