So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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