You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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