Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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