i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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