The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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