wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
