you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
