She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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