I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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