I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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