I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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