Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
