sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
