you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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