Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
