I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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