Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
