I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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