i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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