Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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