I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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