Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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