So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize