I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
