Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize