I think i peed on brittanys purse
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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