She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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